例2．（5分段 ）
Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. In today, many women have a work. They worked as well as men playing an important part in factories. There are many women in government also. They lead other people country, and make out plans. There are many scientist slso. They event new things to improve our life.
With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In ancient, women’s position in family is pity. They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do. But now it is changed. They are equal to her husband. They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.
In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. We also should realize, women’ likerty are limited. For example, many factories want men become its workers but the chance of women is less than men. Everyone should do their best to change this condition. I’m sure, the liberation of women would be increased.
東方教育點(diǎn)評：基本切題。但表達(dá)思想不清楚，連貫性差。有較多的嚴(yán)重語言錯誤。具體問題剖析：
（1）各段圍繞中心句論述不深入，沒有說服力。
（2）銜接不自然，沒有用適當(dāng)?shù)年P(guān)聯(lián)詞，如第一段幾個(gè)句子之間可以用一些“besides”、“on the other hand”、“furthermore”、“in addition”等。
（3）語言錯誤較多，很多句子不通順，如“In today, many women have a work.”應(yīng)改為“Today, many women get a job.”(濫用介詞)；“In ancient, women’s position in family is pity”中pity應(yīng)改為pitiful（詞形誤用）等有多處錯誤。
